Stress, fear and worry are considered classic signs of anxiety and I have to say I’ve experienced every one of these since having Toby. I’ve never been one for having anxiety; don’t get me wrong, I’ve experienced each of those emotions individually but not quite in the same way that I have since becoming a mum.
I suffered a lot when he was first born, especially for the first 5 weeks. I’d be fine all day and then it’d get to about 5.30pm and the feeling, one that soon became familiar, came washing over me. I felt sick, I’d cry and I’d have the most irrational thoughts about what would happen to my baby. People told me that I got the feeling because it was coming up to bed time and that I was subconsciously thinking about how fractured my sleep would be and they were just so wrong. If anything, bed time for me came as a relief; Toby was beside me, safe in his moses basket and I could hear everything and do what I needed to do throughout the night.
Thankfully, the feelings passed and even though I get them every now and again it’s just part and parcel of becoming a new mum. It’s a whole new set of emotions. However, they recently cropped up again in the form of separation anxiety. This first happened when we were practically forced to move Toby into his own room.
He became far too big for his moses basket and our bedroom would have been too cramped with his cot in there so we had to bite the bullet at 11 weeks old. Jamie would’ve been more than happy for him to go into his own room right away but as a first time, breastfeeding mum, I wanted to be comfortable and not have to be up and down out of my bed ten times a night!
Recently, I had to be admitted to hospital for a brief stay and the best option for Toby (now 4 and a half months) was to stay at Nanny and Pop’s house. Would they do a good job? Of course they would, but you always think that nobody knows your baby like you do and that nobody can do as good a job as you would. Alas, the anxiety kicked in again. What if something happened to him? What if he wouldn’t stop crying and they didn’t know what to do? What if he just wanted his mum? What if, what if, what bloody if?
No chance. He hardly noticed I’d gone. Typical. And the next day when I got to see him, I realised it’s all much ado about nothing! Despite all of my own fears he was, of course, absolutely fine. That’s not to say my emotions and feelings weren’t valid, just that they were completely unfounded.
How did you feel when your baby came home with you for the first time? What about their first night away from you?