It wasn’t that long ago that I wrote about us not being able to agree on whether to have a third baby or not. Jamie was pretty sure he was done having kids, and I knew I wasn’t. I’m not. But just recently there have been more days where I wonder whether having a third would be the right decision. I’m reconsidering the whole thing totally.
It makes me upset to think I might have to just sit back and just accept that I’ve already been blessed with two beautiful, healthy children who bring me indescribable joy, light and love every day. They also bring an incredible amount of insanity but I wouldn’t trade them in for anything and that’s a different post.
So what’s changed? I wrote a post about how sad I was feeling about the things going on in the world and I often reflect on it, or I’m reminded about why I wrote it by yet another tragedy in the news, and last week was no different when I woke up to the news about Nice and it just made me plain sad, upset and angry. I don’t want my children to grow up in this world, it’s utter madness. My fear and anxiety, when it comes to the kids, is through the roof. I often say to Jamie that I’d love to go abroad, but deep down I would be panicking the whole time until we were back home. And I’ve even recently been worried about visiting London – it’s ridiculous but not unfounded.
I’m upset with myself that I’m letting this kind of thing rule me but it’s so different when you have children. You’re not just responsible for yourself, you want to be there for your kids and in no way do you want to put them in any unnecessary danger, and neither do I want them to be left with no parents. Nowhere feels safe or protected anymore. 10 years ago your biggest worry about going abroad was the pickpocketing. Now you’re left wondering if you’ll even make it home.
I’m worried that if I bought another child into this world I’d feel beyond selfish for fulfilling my wants and needs, rather than thinking about what they might have to grow up with, but I’m still undecided. First we have our wedding to get out of the way and then we’ll decide. I don’t want there to be a huge age gap, I don’t want to wait a few years and then have another one, or two. I want us to grow together as family and start being able to enjoy all the things life has to offer, big and small. I dunno, it’s just such a shame that such a minority of people can have such a huge impact on the world and drum this fear into us. It’s working, and I don’t like it.