When parents decide to part ways, children can often feel torn between two places and two people. So how can you support your kids through this life plot twist and make both places, and parents, feel like home? Hopefully using some of the tips below will help. As I’m sure many people are, I’m the product of a family separation – a bitter one at that.
While I am now a fully functioning adult, I often wonder if I’d be a completely different person had my parents just been adult about everything and taken some of the advice that’s about to be mentioned. It definitely shaped some of the way that I view the world but even now I have lasting effects.
1. Understanding Your Child’s Emotions
While you’re preoccupied with handling the divorce and all the changes that come with it, you may not be as emotionally available to your child as before. It can be hard to remember that your child has suddenly lost their world and has a lot of built-up hurt and anger.
Kids are little emotional sponges; a significant change like separation can soak them with sadness, anger, or confusion. Helping children through separation starts with acknowledging their feelings and reassuring them that it’s okay to feel all kinds of things. Listen to all the things that are bothering them, no matter how small or insignificant they might seem to you.
2. Maintaining Stability and Routine
Most couples are not at their best when they’re breaking up. Saying goodbye to a marital home and creating a new setup for the kids comes at a time when they’re often angry and overwhelmed, carrying all the emotional weight of the divorce. However, getting this transition right is critical for the children involved in the split. It’s important for parents to have an idea what their kids’ life will look like after the separation, and how they will present that to them.
Kids need reassurance that their life won’t change too much. Routines give them a sense of control when everything else feels upside down. Try to keep school runs, hobbies, and their favourite bedtime stories as consistent as possible. Emma Heptonstall has some excellent insights on establishing routines during divorce.
3. Seeking Professional Support When Needed
It’s always great to try and make your kids see divorce as ‘relatively normal’ and not something to be ashamed or afraid of before breaking the news to them. However, this is not always easy. A group support setting can help children know they’re not alone or not the only ones whose parents are divorced.
Counselling or child psychologists can also offer the support your kids need. And sometimes, the best way to help them is by understanding your own legal rights. Experienced divorce solicitors can provide clarity and peace of mind, which ultimately benefits the whole family.
4. Open and Honest Communication
Talk about it. It may seem obvious but explaining what’s happening to your children is vital. Kids have a lot of questions and they need to know what’s happening to help them process everything. Reassure them it’s not their fault, and encourage them to share their feelings with you.
5. Collaborative Co-Parenting Strategies
Co-parenting isn’t always easy, but working together to create a parenting plan, communicating calmly, and, most importantly, listening to what your children need can help make this transition easier for your kids.