This month’s Siblings post is a hard and frustrating one for me to write, simply because there hasn’t been much sibling love in the last month. In my last post, I wrote about how Toby hadn’t taken to big brotherhood as well as I had expected and hoped, and how he had been making it difficult for us when we had to attend to Ted. This month seems to have gotten worse, with no improvement in sight.
Toby is constantly pushing Teddy over whenever he comes within five feet of a toy that Toby thinks is ‘his’, even if it’s not actually his. We have stopped saying that ‘these are Toby’s toys’ and ‘these are Teddy’s toys’ because I want them to both feel as though they can play with anything they want. Toby does not agree.
Bath times are a nightmare because as soon as any of the bath toys go in, Toby puts them all behind his back at one end of the bath, leaving Ted to try and reach for my shampoo bottle, or just have a splash around. The annoying thing is, Toby doesn’t even play with these toys, he is simply just making sure Ted can’t. We do, of course, take the toys out from behind his back and put them in the middle, but he’s so quick to take them away again.
As I said in January, Ted is crawling around and this has progressed to trying to get up the stairs. Despite the stair gate being up, Toby is doing everything he can to encourage Ted to go upstairs only to to try and knock him straight back down. Only today did I see Toby two stairs up (where the gate is, as it’s the only place it’ll fit) waiting for Ted to stand up, to then full on kick him in the face to try and make him go down.
We’ve tried the time out step, telling him off, explaining and reasoning, distraction, separation, you name it! But nothing is working. What is utterly heartbreaking is the look of awe Teddy has on his face when he watches his brother. He will giggle at him, smile at him, reach for him and Toby will just shrug him off and pick his fingers away one by one.
Admittedly, it’s not all doom and gloom. There are times when Toby has a rare change of heart and will not only share the toys with Teddy, but actually play with him as well. They both give each other these looks of love and I know that they really wouldn’t be without each other. Maybe it’s because they’re both boys, maybe it’s because they’re pretty close in age, maybe it’s because Toby is trying to assert his territory. Maybe I’m expecting too much from him. I forget sometimes that he is still just a little boy. One who isn’t communicating yet, one who doesn’t understand. Who knows? What I do know is that we will raise these boys together to be the best brothers they can be.
Jade I have the same age difference between me and my sister and I can remember being jealous of her and doing many similar things. It’s traumatic thing for a kid to go through. Once he is talking more I bet he will be able to deal with things better. Now Dylan is three he is exploring his emotions and able to tell me if he is happy or sad or scared which is easier to deal with. However I’m not expecting him to like his brother when he arrives for quite a bit. You’re doing a wonderful job and they will get there eventually x
Oh really? I’m hoping it’s just the communication barrier that’s hindering them playing together a bit more. Toby just doesn’t get it at all and his speech is kind of at a stand still right now, which is frustrating for us as well as him. I’m sure Dylan will be fine lovely, he’s at the age where he understands a bit more, although he might not be too happy about sharing his mummy and daddy for a little while xx
I’ve got three boys. This has happened will all of them at points. It will pass but it’s so hard not to get cross, maternal instinct takes over at someone deliberately trying to sabotage the siblings play. What’s interesting now is the youngest getting his own back and asserting himself. X
The worst thing is, you know it will pass, it just seems to take forever. I know there’ll always be arguments, bickering and the “he did this” to me phases but it’s hard to process when they’re younger and just don’t get it and you can’t explain to them that it’s not nice or kind. Haha, yes. Teddy will definitely get there – he does kind of wrestle with him now and that’s so cute to see, until Toby gets annoyed and shoves him off! xx
We have the same issues at times. My daughter takes her faustration and anger out on her brother. It does make me sad because Little Brother looks so happy to be near his sister and then she pushed him away. He just does not understand why and looks so sad. Thankfully, she is very caring and loving too him lots. I hope with time it will get better. My daughter’s preschool had “Golden Rules” of how to be kind and good behaviour so maybe make list of “Golden Rules” for your home and discuss it daily with him. (Pinterest?) Good luck!
It’s so nice to know we’re not the only ones having the same problems. It’s just the look on Ted’s face when Toby pushes him away, or the big cry he does because he’s hurt, it’s just so horrible to see. I think I should maybe focus on the times when they do play together nicely – I’m always offering words of praise and encouragement when he is being nice, when he’s sharing and just playing with Ted. I’ll definitely have a look at Pinterest, but it’s so difficult because Toby doesn’t understand half of what we’re saying, but there’s no harm in trying. I do keep asking at his nursery if he’s been playing nicely and sharing with the other children – hopefully this will help in time xx
Oh my word this is pretty much identical to how my eldest was with his little brother so I know exactly what you’re going through lovely. There’s only 19 months between my two and it really was hard…. It took a while but eventually he started being nice to him and as they got older they have been so close.
It’ll get easier, in the mean time just keep being consistent with how you tell him off and grit your teeth 😉
Stevie xx
I am so glad it’s not just me then. I just keep thinking that I must’ve gone wrong somewhere and it racks me with guilt because he never used to be like it with Teddy. Truth is he’s never really taken to him ever since he was born, which I find really sad but he is still a bit young to understand that it’s his little brother. I guess to him it seems like he’s just come in and taken over, and now he’s on the move it’s even more of an invasion. I think if I grit my teeth any more I won’t have any left by the end of the year haha xxx