I only went into work for half a day. It’s now the following day and I am still in bed at 8.30am in the morning, knackered, despite going to bed at 9.30pm last night and wondering how I am going to get through today.
My insides are churning. It’s as if I’ve swallowed a hundred butterflies and they are trying to batter their way out of my stomach. I can’t pinpoint exactly what’s making me feel like this but the anxiety continues.
I feel like having a day in my pyjamas, in bed cuddling my baby and watching TV but then the guilt hits me. I only have 83 days until I return to work permanently; I need to make the most of everyday. We need to get out and do something.
I message a friend. She’s working locally today. We make plans to meet up during her lunch break. I start crying. Happy that I get to see a friendly face. Devastated that going to see her is another reminder that I’ll be back in work myself soon.
I wish I could understand my feelings. I’m actually excited to return to work. I’ve missed the fast paced days and the buzz of hitting targets. I’ve missed interacting with strangers and coaching my team, watching them develop and progress.
But at the same time I feel apprehension and dread. How will I manage to clean the house, work full time and find time to spend with my baby? Will he still be awake in the evenings when I get home from work? Will my days off be stuck cleaning or feeling like I do today. Will I have the time and energy to spend the my days off with my baby?
A lot of my anxiety comes from fear of the unknown. I have no idea which workplace I’ll be returning to. I like to mentally prepare in my head what is going to happen. Explore every scenario, every possibility. It’s difficult for me to do this when I don’t know which branch it is I will be returning to. My brain is in overdrive as it examines every possibility that could happen in every branch.
Writing helps. I can already feel the knots in my stomach loosening as each word forms on the page. I start to think about getting up, what make up I’ll put on today, what clothes I’ll wear.
Thank God for blogging. It has given my anxiety an outlet so I don’t have to keep these feelings to myself anymore. Blogging has given me the opportunity to meet people who feel the same way I do and help me to understand that although it is not normal to feel this way, there are other people who get it.
I tell myself that I will get through this. The anxiety will pass. Everything will be okay.
I get up and put on my make up while my son sits beside me beaming. The anxiety fades. Everything is okay.
This is a guest post from the super lovely Nicola who writes Mummy to Dex and I think this post will resonate with a lot of us. I couldn’t comprehend going back to work full time after having Toby. What about you? Did you find going back to work a difficult and anxious time? Did you use your KIT days?