Lacking A ‘Thing’, Struggling To Feel Successful + Finding A New Me

“We lose ourselves a little when we become mothers. But that’s ok. Mothers are awesome at finding lost things.”

I read these words on Facebook meme recently and they really struck a chord with me. It kind of made me realise what I already knew. I’ve lost myself amongst the great privilege of motherhood.

Struggling To Feel Successful

This post is a bit of a mind dump really. I don’t know whether it’s because I feel like I don’t really have anything about me anymore because I rarely get to focus on myself, or whether I just feel like I could be doing more. It’s probably totally normal to feel like this but I’m really struggling to feel successful. To find my ‘thing’. Not just as a mother and wife but as a woman who has ideas, wants and needs, and wants to feel like she’s doing well for herself. That’s right. For herself. Not for anyone else.

Bloody Maslow and his Hierarchy of Needs got me feeling like I’m stuck at the love and belonging stage. My self esteem isn’t necessarily lacking but it has, and still does, take quite a beating. That’s par for the course of being a blogger though isn’t it? Comparison. The thief of joy. I rarely feel like I’m living up to expectations or that I’m valued and accepted by others for who or what I am.

It’s also pretty normal in my day to day life. My father in law has had to remind me, probably one too many times, that I don’t have to justify myself to other people. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone, I don’t have to answer to anyone or do things just to make other people happy. I don’t have to seek validation. Yet I still do it. It’s almost tragic, truly, but I’m working on it.

According to Maslow’s ideas, it’s mostly the “higher” version of self esteem that I feel I need most. Manifesting itself as a need for mastery, competence, strength, self-confidence, freedom and independence. All of these things I’ve strived for from a relatively young age. And I have probably 90% of those things down in the Motherhood game (do we ever really master it?). But just for me? In my own head? Less than 50%.

“You are the greatest project you will ever get to work on. Take your time. Create magic.”

I won’t go into the ins and outs of too much here but growing up I knew that I had to work for what I wanted and I’m so, so fortunate to have everything that was a pipe dream for me; a husband, children, my health, a house I could call my own and a car. I’m so incredibly grateful for those things but at the moment I feel like my life as a mum and wife is what’s defining me despite “doing well for myself”.

I don’t feel like I’m learning much, progressing or getting better at anything on a personal level, and half the time I feel like my brain cells are withering and dying because I end up only doing the same things; usually chasing my tail between housework, kids and finding five minutes to grab a cuppa. I want and need to feel like I have personal achievements that aren’t child or housework related. At the moment, my idea of being successful in the week is getting to the bottom of the washing pile or getting the bathrooms cleaned. And it’s just a little bit soul destroying.

I hate that I feel like this is all I am and all I can achieve right now because it feels like this is all I’ll ever be doing, even though I know it’s not. The days are long but the years are short, we’ve heard that saying a million times before, and believe me I’m living it, but I’ve definitely lost myself and let the things that I’d like to achieve slip out of sight.

I’m not seeking validation from other people. I’m seeking validation from me, to me. I feel like I need to validate myself, to justify to myself, to prove to myself that I can do it all, even if I can’t. I’m almost setting myself up for a fall but it’s the “self-actualisation” tip of the pyramid that’s so close, yet so far. I know I have the ability and the ideas in my head to go forward, but physically putting it into practise is the hard bit.

Finding My Thing

Now that I know I’m done having babies and that everything I experience with Milo is a “last”, I’m taking baby steps to find myself again. Yes, I’m allowing myself to get back into blogging without added pressures but my blog, I think, has fallen to the side for way too long for it to be the success I want it to be – that doesn’t mean I won’t work at it though. I’m learning to say no to things so that I can say yes to things that I want to do. That benefit me. That tick all the boxes in my head. And that might be selfish, but it’s ok to be selfish. Sometimes.

The whole idea that you can’t pour from an empty cup is true, but the empty in my cup is a sense of self love and self worth and achievement. I need to believe in myself more, believe I can do more and achieve more because that’s what I want for me.

While Milo plays a huge part in why I’ve not found the time, I’ve also taken a step back to support my husband in achieving his goals, been focusing on healing from a c-section and kind of letting the kids run my life, as they do. Don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t be more proud of Jamie and knowing that I’ve played an instrumental part in helping him get to where he is today already is an achievement, but it’s not my ‘thing’.

The boys also do plenty of clubs and have a way better social life than me. And for some people, being a mum and doing all those stereotypical “mumsy” things that’s enough but, for me, I haven’t personally achieved anything. I don’t have it in me to sit back and just be a good wife and mum. I want to be a good wife, a good mum and a good (insert thing here). Whatever this ‘thing’ is that I’m missing, I’m sure I’ll find soon enough.

I’ve seen so many of my colleagues/other bloggers/online friends have their ‘thing’ – whether it’s an online series that people contribute to, a podcast, having emojis strewn through their Instagram captions, whatever else it is that they’re known for. I don’t have that ‘thing’. I’m not particularly known for anything, I don’t feel like I’ve achieved top grade at a ‘thing’. But do you know what? That’s ok.

“Do you know what? There’s something to be said for not knowing what the fuck you’re doing and not being afraid to say it. It’s very tempting to seek out or conjure up a cause/persona/mission but if it’s not for real… well then it’s not for real is it?” – Hannah, Hi Baby

I’m very much here to be truthful to myself and achieve something that’s worthy to me. I don’t have a degree because I never went to university. I don’t have a career that I can climb a ladder in. I don’t want to do something just for the sake of saying I’ve achieved something. Everything I do has to be worthy, in some way, to me, otherwise it’s not worthy at all.

There are a lot of issues going on at the moment that I think a lot of people just jump on because they think they’re trendy; female empowerment, advocating breastfeeding – when in reality these are every day issues that need tackling. And while I think they’re worthy causes and I’m 100% behind them, they don’t light a fire in me. They don’t put enough fire in my belly to make me want to champion them 24/7. I want to find something that I feel like I can champion, that I can be passionate about.

Finding A New Me

I recently spent a day doing an officiating course with England Netball so I can get started on my path to becoming a B award umpire. I don’t need it for anything other than my local league but I love netball, I’ve enjoyed umpiring in the past and it’s something that doesn’t take up a whole bunch of time. It’s an achievable thing for me between everything else and, above all, it’s something I’m doing for myself. It’s something I want to do. Something that, I feel, is worthy.

Of course there are other things I want to do but they involve grabbing several things by several horns along with lots of time and, right now, I have three small humans who need me more than I need me, so those several things will have to wait. And I’m fine with that. Ultimately I’m in control of where I go from here. For right now, I’ve got a redesign of the blog coming up which I think will give it a new lease of life. I will continue to strive for better umpiring qualifications. I do think I’d like to have a third ‘thing’ on the go amongst all the craziness that is our life at the moment (hello house extension, weren’t you perfectly timed?) so I’d really like to do a few more vlogs because I think it’s doable but I’m not going to stretch myself too far.

Above all I just need to remember that achievement will come. Personal success will come. Whatever it is that I’m seeking will come. And that’s enough for me. For now.